Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
