Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
