Just fell off a train. Bad.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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