Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?