Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.