My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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