I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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