i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!