Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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