Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
