Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.