I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
