I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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