I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
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At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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