before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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