It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
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Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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