Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
