i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
