I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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