I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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