Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
