I can tuck mytits in my pants
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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