the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once