We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
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The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful