Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016