The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.