I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
