just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
