i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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