Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
