When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My ATM looks so different sober.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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