he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.