I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.