I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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