this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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