The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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