Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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