Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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