We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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