i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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