i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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