my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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