I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is this like a preordered booty call?