apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.