he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.