don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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