Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???