Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.