there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"