Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
