Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
