Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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