please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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