the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
