I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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