It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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