I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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